i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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