Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Randomize
