good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
