I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
