every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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