I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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