were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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