uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Randomize
