my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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