textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
