Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
