So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
