please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
being pregnant is like rehab
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
