Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
