Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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