I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
