I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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