I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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