i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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