I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
