please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
