you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
