Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
