dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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