they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
