Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I have feelings that need drinking.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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