I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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