is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
