hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
