fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
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