Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
