I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
