Porn is love you can see.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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