I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I have fence marks all over my body
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
