guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
