Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
