Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Operation Purity has been aborted
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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