My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
