My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
