It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
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