i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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