and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
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