Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
