Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
