and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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