I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
