Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
