rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
