you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
