cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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