if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
